i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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