i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
