So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
