if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
