there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
