Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
She's the barista slut.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
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