You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
