I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
