Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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