A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
