Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
