If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
