I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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