HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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