somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The power of my boobs compel you
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
