I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
All the doctor said was why
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
