my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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