you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
