First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
