Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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