I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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