I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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