Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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