I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
