Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
