Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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