If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
