He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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