I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
