The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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