Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
