break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
