This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
