so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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