I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
