Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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