the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
