Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
