If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
just found out that she named her cat after me.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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