im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
