the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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