Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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