Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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