The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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