the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
