I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Are we still banned from the library?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
