My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
