I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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