Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
