it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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